Yes, we know, the game isn’t even out yet. Blah, blah, blah. Still, that won’t stop us from having our bit of fun. We’ve played a few hours of Hello Games’ No Man’s Sky since getting our hands on a copy earlier today, and we’ve decided to do something a little different before we do the full review. The below is not a review. It’s a creative preview, if you like. If you’re spoilerphobic, don’t worry, there’s nothing being spoiled.
Star Date: 2296 ATGFFW (After The Great Fast Food War)
Captain: Chris Harding
Age: 26 Earth Years, 31 Earth Days
Occupation: Space Explorer – Dishonorably discharged for spreading his dishonorable discharge around the barracks. Often found smoking behind the hoverbike shed. Stole a ship and a transmitter.
Mission: Don’t die. Find cool stuff. Ride a space dinosaur. Name a planet ‘Your Mum’ and then send a picture to friends.
Below is the actual transmission from Captain Harding’s adventures in space. This was not an authorised mission. He’s not even a real Captain, he just stole a ship and recorded what happened.
17:15: I’ve awoken on a strange planet. I don’t know how I got here. I think my drinking has finally gotten too out of hand. I’m gonna have a look around and see what’s going on.
17:18: I’ve been playing around near my ship but the damn thing seems to be buggered. I’ve tried to punch it, kick it, jump on it, and even pray to it. So far, nothing.
17:20: My on-board systems that project instructions, helpful tips (but no BBC coverage of the 2296 Olympics, damn it) has helped me. I have to shoot my laser pointy thing and get a few of the local minerals to repair the ship. I’m not a mechanic, but I’m going to give it a go.
17:23: Some floaty metal ball thing is buzzing around. Don’t think it likes me harvesting this sweet, sweet Iron.
17: 24: Nope. Nope. Nope. The metal floaty thing hates me. I’m running for my life.
17:25: I’m hidden behind a big rock. If I don’t make it, please tell my family they’re a bunch of basta– argh, crap, it’s found me!
17:26: It took a bit of time but I managed to overcome the thing with my laser gun. Don’t know why I didn’t think of that in the first place… Back to mining, then.
17:39: I’ve finally gotten what I need to get my ship moving. Not sure I really want to get in it though. This planet is rather nice. There’s pretty flowers, weird trees, and animals that look like they’d make some sick pets.
17:40: Another one of those things is after me. They seem to be the law around here. I’m going on the lam via my newly fixed space ship. This could be my last transmission.
17:41: No, this could be my last transmission.
17:43: I’ve left the planet and I am now hovering around in space. It’s weird. I don’t like it. I’m scared of heights. Oh, look, asteroids.
17:44: Today I learned that if you shoot asteroids, you get stuff. Wicked. I’ve got another transmission coming in over my visor. It wants me to go somewhere. As I’ve no idea where I am, what I’m doing, or where I’m going, I’m just going to blindly follow the advice.
17:50: I ignored the advice and went off to another planet instead. It looked good from a distance.
17:58: I’ve landed on this new planet and I’ve named it ‘Pure PlayStation HQ’ in honor of Pure PlayStation which ran from 2016-2023. My great-great-great grandfather said it was an honor to work with those guys. Shame they all choked on those free Doritos after they ‘sold out’ to the corporations.
18:18: A few of the indigenous species seem to be taking a liking to me. Actually, they’re pretty hostile. They’ve got wings and look like mini T-Rex dinosaurs. I’m gonna try to ride one.
18:19: You cannot ride the flying T-Rex things.
18:40: I’ve spent the last 20 minutes running around shooting stuff. I found some weird station where some alien gave me some blueprints. Thanks, I guess. But I’m not an engineer… Or am I? He seemed alright, a bit rude and he didn’t speak English, but I suppose this is his turf so I’ll let it slide. This time…
18:45: The sun’s going down and my visor is telling me that I’m getting cold, my life support systems are running at 50% and that my radiation protection is also running out.
18:53: I’m really struggling. It’s -80 degrees and my protection is almost down to nothing. This could be the end of me. I’ve taken shelter against a tree while I wait for the sweet embrace of death.
18:54: Oops. Didn’t realise I was actually only a few paces away from my lovely warm space ship. Phew. Good times. Back to space, then.
18:55: I’ve run out of thruster fuel and I need to go back into the cold and collect some fuel. Craaaaaaaap.
19:00: Alright, all set. Thruster fuel sorted, I’m ready to leave this planet and do something else.
19:06: Back in space. I’ve been notified by my visor that there are two hostile ships in my area. I’m not sure what I should do. I’m going to just act natural and see if they leave me alone.
19:10: They’re not leaving me alone. I’m in trouble. They want me dead. But why? Why? WHY?!
19:12: I’ve taken a leaf from Han Solo (R.I.P) and flown into a bunch of asteroids in the hope of losing them. It hasn’t worked and I’ve taken massive damage to my little ship. If I don’t fight back, I’m going to die.
19:13: I’ve banked around a huge asteroid in the hope of coming round behind one of the bastards. Oh, yes, there’s the twat. C’mere you sod!
19:14: I’ve fired a few rounds. They’re not scared. They’re ganging up on me. This isn’t a fair fight. Where’s my backup, damnit?
19:44: By the grace of Gatorade, I’ve taken one of the brutes out. I didn’t see him parachute or anything, so I don’t think he’s going to be in the sequel. Now to deal with the other one.
19:47: You should have seen that. It was awesome. Unfortunately I can’t transmit video right now. Something about a ‘Sony’ blocking all transmissions from this sector.
19:50: I’m not really sure what I should do now. I’ve been scavenging around for a while and I’ve been told I should go to the space station. Maybe I should go to the space station? Maybe it’s a trap? Maybe it’s a surprise birthday party? Only one way to know for sure.
19:54: I’ve arrived at the space station. Not much going on here to be honest. Decor is a bit thin but I suppose they’re going for a “less is more” approach. Hangar is a nice size, though, could definitely get a decent game of 5-a-side in at break.
19:56: I’ve found another alien. Again, this one doesn’t speak a word of English. Typical bloody foreigner… Oh, wait, I’m the foreigner.
19:57: He’s taken my laser gun. I’m a wee bit nervous now. Oh, lovely, he’s swapping it for another one. Nice one, mate!
20:00: I’ve done some wheeling and dealing with the Galactic Trade thingy-ma-bob and I’ve got a purse full of coin and a few vital bits that I need to be going on my way. Apparently I’m going to be going faster than light with this stuff. Ha, yeah, right. Pfft.
20:02: Back in my ship. Nothing has been nicked. These folks are more trustworthy than I thought. Right, let’s get out of here.
20:03: Apparently I’m ready to warp. Not sure how this gonna go. Might be seeing my lunch (a leaf and some dodgy water from Pure PlayStation HQ) soon.
20:05: Holy moly. It worked. It actually worked. I’m now thousands of light-years away from where I was just moments ago. Still in space, mind, and there’s no toilet compartment in this ship.
20:06: I’ve spotted a planet I like the look of. I’m going to go down and have a look, mingle with the locals and see what the women are like.
20:12: Place is a barren wasteland. Bollocks. Not much going on. As the first human here, I’ve taken the honor of naming this planet ‘No Fun’ to warn other would-be intergalactic space explorers.
20:20: Been flying around for a while now and some big-arse ships have just appeared above me. Not sure what to do. Could be hostile. Sod it, I’m going to attack them.
20:25: Shit *static* the *static* McDona *static* Mr Brightsi *static*
20:35: Assault didn’t go well. Still being pursued by the space cops. Bastards are like Terminators. (If you don’t know about Terminators, watch the first two documentaries by James Cameron.)
20:45: I’ve fled to a planet and done a runner. Don’t know if they’re still on me or not.
20:59: I think I’m safe. I’m holed up at another outpost with another non-English speaker. I’ve called him Julio. We’re not having fun.
21:14: A storm is brewing outside. It looks nasty as hell and there’s a bunch of horrid animals lurking around my ship. Going to wait a bit and see if they clear off.
21:15: Julio farted so I’ve done a runner to the ship. Killed one of the critters on the way. Didn’t even feel guilty. I think space is turning me into a monster.
21:18: I’m back in the relative safety of space.
21:18: Ah, crap. Bad guys.
21:20: I’m trying to outmaneuver them. There’s two and they’re angry. Maybe they were mates with the last two?
21:22: My aiming is awful and they’re dancing around me. Shi *static*
End of Transmission.