From the start 100ft Robot Golf sounded ridiculous. I mean you are playing the classic game of golf with giant robots in civilizations. Then I dived in and it’s even more ridiculous. The plot is purposefully campy and cheesy and the ability to destroy homes and businesses to carve out your drive is unexpectedly enjoyable. Don’t worry, the announcers and commentators won’t let you forget it with their dry and sarcastic narration. Sadly, core gameplay mechanics of the sport which the title is named after has some flaws. Which isn’t particularly good for any sport game.
The campaign is basically a bunch of loosely connected stories that involve getting a professional 100ft Robot Golf league back up and running. It used to be the hottest thing but for some reason tapered off in popularity. Behind the scenes though is an evil conglomerate with their own agenda. Through the course of the story you’ll play as a used car salesman, a model, five corgis, two ex-employees of Future NASA, a disembodied head, and a woman with a genius level intellect. All of which are simply playing golf against each other in four different locations around the world.
Each character is in it for their own reasons and you’ll see that for yourself in Speed Racer-esque cutscenes. You know what I mean. Deliberately forced dialogue, mouths moving out of sequence with words, and minimal animation at best. Just a reminder that this isn’t a bad thing as it serves what the title is well. It’s especially enhanced thanks to the dialogue. There will be plot points that are so ridiculous you’d think there wouldn’t be fitting words to convey it all. Everything about the campaign wasn’t taken seriously and I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire thing was a homage to older cartoons and movies.
This bleeds into another part of the story but also other game modes. Hands down my favorite thing about 100ft Robot Golf were the announcers/commentators. They will make fun of everything you do, deliver witty and dry banter, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if all of it was drunkenly ad-libbed. Here’s one such example. Some of the holes take place on the ocean floor and as such you’ll come across submarines. I shot one of them down and the commentators proceeded to argue if I helped the vessel perform its job better by reaching deeper water faster. I straight out laughed many times throughout the entire game. Both in the campaign and out.
You’ll be able to golf on thirty six distinctive holes which consist of a traditional city, the Himalayas, under the ocean, and on the moon. No, I’m not lying. Each map will have a ton of buildings or bio-domes to obliterate and other natural features. The destruction isn’t incredibly advanced but I can’t deny how fun it was to tear apart structures or simply topple them over. Thus, it’s true that you can clear the way for your drive but don’t expect to completely change the face of the map like Levolution or anything. Still it doesn’t hurt to act like a kaiju.
Now you must be excited that the wrapping paper and bow of a present are so well put together. Well I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint you with what’s actually inside. Straight to the point, 100ft Robot Golf is a flawed golf game. You still have meters, wind direction, and arrows telling you where the ball will end up but too much of the time it didn’t work out that way. Of course when you’re on the moon or underwater, aspects of your swing and drive will be affected. But even on the normal levels, the ball either went way further then it should or completely veered to the left or right. After repeatedly playing I determined that this problem stemmed from the meters themselves. There are quite a few unique ways the meters for the giant robots are presented but I found myself compensating for all of them. Too often I hit the ball softer, than the meters said I should, and more or less got my ball where I wanted to go.
The putting is even worse. To distinguish the hills and slopes of the green, 100ft Robot Golf has pulsating wave lines that tell you where the ball should be directed. Rarely are these indicators accurate which can lead to a putt rolling incredibly fast off the green and back on the fairway or worse. When these don’t lie to you expect the putting meters to. First of all you can’t putt very far when on the green. I chalk it up to the game trying to differentiate you, the giant robot, and the smaller green. Second, and I can’t even explain this one, putting is a sad guessing game where you have to hope your perfectly aimed shot will go in the cup. To be fair however, I found myself able to finish most holes with only moderate difficulty. Hopefully you don’t get stuck in a struggle where you repeatedly have to switch from wedge to putter on the same hole. It will happen.
Unfortuantely, I wasn’t able to play any online multiplayer but it should entice some gamers that there are modes where stroke count doesn’t matter. It’s whoever can get the ball in the cup first wins. Which made the game slightly more bearable when those levels came up in the story or if I had that setting in quick play or Hole of Fame, another game mode. Essentially these act as super challenges where you have to complete all the holes as fast as you can, in as little strokes as possible, etc. You can do this with each individual hole as well.
Lastly, there is a nice amount of customization. You use the medals you’ve earned in the campaign to purchase different balls, skins, and sounds. But be warned as you’ll see a lot of Saint’s Row easter eggs here. It was still nice to be able and modify every single character’s robot. Especially the sarcastic horns you can equip.
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