Let’s face it, these two legends could have taken the place of every mum and dad who have ever existed and the world would be no different. Actually, it would have probably been all the better for it. Unfortunately Crash nor Spyro possessed the necessary “qualities” deemed vital for guardianship.
*Wipe tear from eye*
But the next best thing was for your non-animated parents to plonk you down in front of a bulbous television, twisty bits and all, with a grey console, can of something full of fizzy sugar goodness, a bag of salty-crunch, and your favourite talking dragon or bandicoot disc inserted ready to play.
Now if we’ve just described your childhood
helplines are available we hope you took notes because those two were the buddhas of the nineties.
Read on for enlightenment, my lovelies.
1) Running into walls head first is going to hurt
We’ve all walked into something being distracted by our iGoon or WaffleBerry, but Spyro was doing it long before they put the H in HD. And he was left with the same embarrassed look and pounding head as the rest of us. The fact that this legend did it too is some consolation, we guess. But the moral of the story is the same: you look like a fool, there’s always a crowd around (and knowing our luck a news crew), and it hurts; but mostly the first two points.
No one likes being a nincompoop.
2) Eat your five a day *
Even after everything Crash goes through (all of the spinning, throwing himself into crates, battling that Evil Cortex) he never needs a doctor. Or a plaster. A sedative might have proved useful, but who are we to judge?
Why didn’t he ever need a visit to the emergency room? Well, that kids is because of the amazing super powers that fruit, especially wumpa fruit, possess. After all, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or was that a restraining order?
*doctors may be harmed by following this advice.
3) What goes up must come down
Ah, gravity, thou heartless beast. Confining us mere mortals to the ground, with the help of evolution who deems us unworthy of flappable things. But not Spyro. No, that boy had wings. He could float like a butterfly as well as chase them. And he had courage. Many a time he’d leap off a hill towards the unknown, trying to reach a distant ledge. Though, he’d quickly learn that it was out of range and he’d either spiral down to the ground with a bit of dignity left or fly straight into the cliff side, furiously kicking his legs in a last-ditch attempt of defying Newton’s apple.
It was painful to watch.
4) TNT is dangerous
And no, we’re not talking about the courier.
Explosives are always a bad idea, just ask Tom and Jerry.
We’ve all seen the films: cut the red wire, cut the yellow wire, cut the white wire. But let’s face it, how many bombs nowadays are going to be wired up with an AV cable? They’ll all be using HDMI leads, silly. So forget that idea that you’ll defuse the device and still have a second left on the timer because that’s a fantasy; you’ll be turned into a pile of ashes just like Crash, minus the retry screen.
5) Payday loans are a bad idea
When did buying a penny by spending a pound ever become a good idea? We mean, we know times are hard but things were far from easy for our little purple friend either. That Moneybags dude was always pedalling some dubious Pyramid Scheme, pestering poor Spyro to hand over all his life savings without as much as a badge or free pen.
If you don’t have the money for the latest release why not trade-in a kidney. Or better yet, break your little one’s piggy bank; life’s cruel, the sooner they find out the better. And you keep a kidney, what more do you want?
6) Small and pewny doesn’t mean weak and feeble
It’s all in the mind…apparently. At least that’s what the voices tell me. “There’s nothing you can’t achieve if you want it bad enough, you just have to believe it is possible,” they say.
If there’s one thing we can take away from Crash Bandicoot numero uno it’s that ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again’. But that was mostly due to its scarce saving points. Thanks, Naughty Dog.
7) Never lose your sense of adventure or your sense of wonder
Life has a tendency of making the everyday routine and miserable. We fumble between bed and train and desk and train and bed, completely oblivious to what’s right under our nose. And, no, that iBogey doesn’t count.
How many of us truly appreciate the world that’s around us? Or ponders whose feet have pounded the same streets before? Who visits a new town or country and becomes a traveller and not just a tourist? Thought as much.
Spyro never had that problem. He was always jumping through portals and seeing where it might take him; exploring far away levels in search of a treasure chest or pilfered egg.
We’re all guilty of taking things for the granted. And yet as kids we’d stand in awe, open-mouthed, spewing question after question to anyone who would listen; to anyone who could answer. Somewhere along this winding road that they call life, we lose that curiosity. And in a way we lose what it means to be human.
Serious stuff, huh? It doesn’t last long. Next!
8) Never leave a box unopened *
Even if it has someone else’s name on the label, open it. It could be cake, and everybody loves cake. Besides, who sends things nowadays not expecting somebody to have a teeny-weeny peek in. It’s only courtesy.
We could also go all philosophical and apply this to life: never let an opportunity, such as to open a box and finding cake, pass you by; you never know where it could lead. We’re hoping to the bakery, but other destinations are available.
P.S. stealing is bad, except when it’s cake. Then it’s taste-good bad and that’s the kind of bad we like.
*Unless the box says TNT, then never open the box. Ever.
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Living life one Batmobile chase at a time. When she’s not writing about video games, she’s writing terrible jokes that even a Christmas cracker would be embarrassed to share.