Rage quitting has been around for as long as gaming itself. It’s instinctive. We’re not born to lose. We’re competitive by nature, but we’re also aware of our limits. It’s natural that if you sense an apex predator in your midst, you run the hell away. Unless… you’re a FIFA Dodo.
FIFA 21 has become my go-to game as of late. Not because it’s particularly amazing, but because it’s easy to play when I’m ruined after another hard day of sitting on my arse during whatever lockdown we’re on these days. It’s easy to pick up and play, and as somebody who is constantly playing a variety of games across all genres for their work, having a steady game to go back to in between review sessions is comforting.
I’ve never been big on playing FIFA online. The last time I bothered was around FIFA 10/11, and since then I’ve mainly stuck to playing the slowly declining Career Mode, forever trying to drag Accrington Stanley out of the gutter and on to the world stage. I normally give up after a couple of seasons.
Lately, I’ve changed course, and I now go online and ruin the fun for others by scoring goal after goal in FIFA 21 Online Seasons. Alright, maybe not every time, but I win more than I lose and I have a good time, generally speaking. When I lose, I stick it out (generally speaking…)
That can’t be said for everyone who plays FIFA 21.
As any FIFA player will tell you, knocking three past the opposing keeper inside the first half means you’re not likely to hear the final whistle. You’re two up and then, just as you’re celebrating a cheeky dink over the keeper – they’ve gone. Like a fart in the wind, the other player has upped and left, and gone to spread their stink somewhere else.
Bastards. Absolute bastards.
It feels like theft. Sure, you get the automatic 3-0 win, but there’s nothing like seeing it through to the end and getting the win you’ve played for. It’s infuriating but if you record the last goal, you can at least get some retribution by sending it to the FIFA fart with a gloating message. We’ve all done it…
It’s nothing new and it’s been this way for years; EA has stuck with the auto-win solution instead of coming up with an actual deterrent. It’s not a game-breaker, mind you, it just makes going online a bit of a pain in the backside, and if you’re playing against a poor player, you’ll only play one half.
But among the masses of FIFA wankers, there are FIFA heroes. Diamonds among the shitpile. People among the plebs. Guys like this:
I genuinely laughed out loud reading that message, and it still brings a giggle to my gob whenever I think about it. Who is this guy? Why is he such a good sport? What’s going so well in his life that he can sit through a 7-0 pasting and not hit the dashboard harder than a drunk driver going the wrong way on the autobahn? And then to say that he always gets smashed – does he spend his evenings playing for the draw? Or perhaps to only concede in single-digits? Whatever it is, he’s a man of class and I’m using my platform to praise him.
I spent the entire match running rings around this fella, knocking seven goals into his net. Each time I scored, I celebrated like an obnoxious twat by doing the stupid bum wiggle move. After two goals, I was sure he would run away and play somewhere else. Three, four, five, and then six, and he still stayed on. In injury time I knocked in a seventh goal and final goal and then rubbed it in a wee bit more by making Mane do the silly bum wiggle for the third time. And he still didn’t quit. Back to the centre spot for kick-off before the final whistle of the game. I actually felt quite bad for being a gloating shit. I scored a 35-yard screamer and rather than bashing the buttons to get back to the game, he watched it back with me. We shared a moment.
These capeless wonders are rare exceptions and I’ve only come across a handful over the last few weeks, but they deserve a shout out. They’re the guys who fill up FIFA 21 Seasons at 3am and give chumps like me the much-needed win to push up a division. They’re fantastic sports, and while they’re not the best FIFA players, they’re the best of FIFA’s players. The rest of you? You’re scum. Total f&^king scum.
P.S – So am I…